Monday, September 12, 2016

McKay's Draft Sonnet

Share it Please
She came not a week past now,
when life had changed and nothing the same.
The question upon my lips was how?
She seemed so perfect and so real, a name
that changed my life, those eyes that shattered me.
Cracked! and Rumbled! and Split! My perception of life
was as fleeting as a bird from a tree.
Five dollar Tuesdays are no more alas
nor eating out as often as we do.
Sleeping through the night is in the far past.
Is this the life that I think to conspire?
But yet! Life was nothing to the grandeur
of my new stage and the child I procure!

I feel like I have a lot to improve on so if anyone can help me with rhythm, word choice, or rhyme that would be awesome! I just had a baby last week so she has been on my mind recently and that is why I wrote what I wrote about.

1 comment:

  1. McKay, your sonnet didn't seemed forced (which, I think, is hard to achieve) - and it had a sort of natural progression. However, line 2 and 6 were the most jarringly incorrect. "Nothing the same" doesn't follow iambic, and line six has too many syllables (also, i'm not sure how you want "cracked! and rumbled! to be seems to mess with the iamb as well). But all in all, I enjoyed it. And congratulations on your new baby!

    Also, I just reread it and line 10 when you say "the far past" it loses its meter.