I cannot see where I must put my foot
The paths that I might take all must be long
The blackened trees all stand encased in soot
Wide open fields before me sprawl and roll
What once had life is just black and cold
It breathed and grew but now it lacks a soul
Forsaken things; God has released His hold
These paths will soon be covered in white snow
This blackened, burned-out scene can't always last
Snow covers ugliness that will not go
And far away the memories we'll cast
I walk along the broken, ashy path
And leave behind the ugliness of wrath
It's hard to make everything fit iambic pentameter and still have the lines sound natural and not forced. I definitely struggled with lines 12 and 8 - I couldn't get them to sound real. Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Line 6 I think is off in meter. And I would suggest to maybe add more punctuation? I like the theme and what you have, unless maybe you have the lack of it (punctuation) to build up the meaning of the poem? I think it sounds really good though, with or without additional punctuation!
ReplyDeleteI also think some punctuation could give your poem some clarity. I really enjoyed all the imagery, but I'm not sure what the final statement seems to be.
ReplyDelete