The fear beings to grip my heart and clouds
my eyes with pools of terror, doubt, and pain.
His words bring news that has begun to shroud
The future's crystal vision with dark rain--
uncertainties, which make the mind grow cold.
He'll walk away and try to steel his nerve
Yet I can see his happiness so bold
Now that he goes across the sea to serve
With flag upon his shoulder and his heart.
I am determined to be strong for him
While he defends our country. My sweetheart,
Away from me, at times I'll feel so grim.
To be alone and not know where he'll be--
Is this the sacrifice God meant for me?
This is something pretty personal that is going on in my life because it looks like my husband will be up for deployment next year. I found that it was difficult to accurately express what I was feeling while at the same time counting syllables, stresses, and trying to rhyme. Does it seem like I was able to get my message across? Are there any phrases or sentences that don't make sense?
Other than a few typos, its a really powerful poem that uses the stricture/structure of the sonnet for powerful emotional effect. It takes a lot of skill to adapt something so personal and make it so readable, nice work.
ReplyDeleteI really like this sonnet, but I think your word choice sometimes detracts. For example, I would debate your use of "pools" in line 2 (too pleasant-sounding; what about "veins"?) and "grim" in line 12 (evokes the macabre rather than heartache).
ReplyDeleteThanks! I think word choice was a big struggle for me because it was that fight between finding words that fit the iambic pentameter and rhyme scheme as well as conveyed my feelings!
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